Grand Mulia Kisaran: Indonesia's Hidden Luxury Getaway!
Okay, buckle up, buttercups! Let's dive headfirst into reviewing this hotel, and trust me, it's gonna be a wild ride. My brain feels like it's been marinating in strong coffee and anxiety for the last 48 hours, so bear with me – we're gonna get messy!
SEO-fied Review of [Hotel Name] – Where the Heck Do We Start?!
Alright, fine. I'll try to be organized, but no promises, because frankly, structure is overrated. Let's start with:
Accessibility – The First Hurdle (and a BIG Deal!)
- Wheelchair Accessible: This is, like, the MOST important thing. (I hope they REALLY mean it.) I’m gonna need specifics, people! Ramps? Elevators that actually work? Accessible rooms? If they're claiming it, let's hope it's more than just a theoretical concept.
- Facilities for Disabled Guests: Again, detail, people, detail! What specifically is available? Grab bars? Braille signage? This is not a "check-the-box" situation. This is people's actual lives. My heart sinks for the reviews that sound like "Yes, we have ramps, but the door is too narrow" Ugh.
Overall… I’m gonna need MORE info here before I get excited. Let's hope the hotel is really working every aspect of this.
On-Site Goodies: Restaurants, Lounges, & Internet – The Stuff We Crave
On-site accessible restaurants/lounges: See above about accessibility. This should always be a priority and they could totally be scoring here.
Internet, Internet [LAN], Internet services, Wi-Fi in public areas, Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! Okay, good. Internet is a MUST. Gotta upload those Instagram stories of your avocado toast, right? Seriously though, a strong, reliable Wi-Fi is crucial for, you know, actually working. LAN? For the geeks among us. Let's hope it's fast and easy to connect. Free Wi-Fi in every room? YES, PLEASE! The hotel is already hitting major points here. The fact that's, so crucial for travelers, is definitely a great thing to note.
Things to DO, Ways to RELAX – Let's Get Pampered (and Maybe a Little Sweaty)
- Things to do: Ah, the fun stuff! What can you actually DO at this place? Let’s see what's actually on offer! (I can't believe I forgot the most important part: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION – is it in a great spot?)
- Body scrub, Body wrap, Fitness center, Foot bath, Gym/fitness, Massage, Pool with view, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: Okay, this is where things get interesting. Body scrubs and wraps? Sounds lovely, though I'm always a little skeptical about the "relaxing" aspect if the beautician is in any way rushed and I'm in danger of falling off the table. The gym? Great for those who like to feel vaguely guilty about the buffet. Pool with a view? SOLD! Sauna, spa, steam room – all yes, please! I can spend HOURS in these places. I'd say this is looking pretty darn good for a relaxing getaway.
Anecdote time! I once stayed at a hotel that promised a "pool with a view" and, well, it technically had a view… of a parking lot. My mood plummeted instantly. Moral of the story: details matter! And if you're promising a view, MAKE. IT. A. GOOD. ONE.
Cleanliness and Safety – Because Let's Not Die, Okay?
This is where the real world comes crashing in.
- Anti-viral cleaning products, Breakfast in room, Breakfast takeaway service, Cashless payment service, Daily disinfection in common areas, Doctor/nurse on call, First aid kit, Hand sanitizer, Hot water linen and laundry washing, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Shared stationery removed, Staff trained in safety protocol, Sterilizing equipment: This is the crucial stuff, the bare minimum, right? The hotel should be doing ALL of this, and making it obvious for the guests. "Daily disinfection in common areas" is a must. I want to see the hand sanitizer strategically placed everywhere. Individually wrapped food? Essential! I want to feel safe, not like I’m playing Russian roulette with germs.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking - Yum or Yikes?
- A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant: Okay, now we're talking! A LOT of options here. Breakfast buffet? My weakness! But is it a GOOD buffet? I'm obsessed with the details here – is there a waffle station? Fresh fruit? Or just sad, rubbery eggs? Room service 24 hours a day? Bless you, hotel gods. Poolside bar? Now we're talking! Happy hour? Sign me up. I'm a sucker for a good cocktail.
Anecdote time! I once stayed at a hotel where the "international cuisine" restaurant served up… well, mostly mystery meat. The salad bar was looking sad and wilted. The experience was… underwhelming, to put it mildly.
Services and Conveniences – The Little Things That Matter
- Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center: This is where a hotel really shines. Did they remember all the little things? Air conditioning in public areas? Vital! Concierge? That's a game changer. Meeting facilities? Useful. The convenience store? A lifesaver for late-night cravings. Luggage storage? Essential if flying in early or out late.
For the Kids – Gotta Keep the Little Monsters Happy (and the Parents Sane)
- Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal: Okay, so this is important for a lot of people. Family-friendly hotels are HUGE. Babysitting service? Bless you, hotel! Kids meals? Yep, that checks a box. Keeping those little ones happy is what I'm looking for!
Access, Security, and Safety – Keeping You (and Your Belongings) Safe
- CCTV in common areas, CCTV outside property, Check-in/out [express], Check-in/out [private], Couple's room, Exterior corridor, Fire extinguisher, Front desk [24-hour], Hotel chain, Non-smoking rooms, Pets allowed unavailable, Proposal spot, Room decorations, Safety/security feature, Security [24-hour], Smoke alarms, Soundproof rooms: Security is huge. 24-hour front desk? Check! CCTV? Good! Smoke alarms? Essential! Non-smoking rooms? Thank you. A proposal spot? Now that's romance!
Getting Around – How Do I Get There (and Back)?
- Airport transfer, Bicycle parking, Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site], Car power charging station, Taxi service, Valet parking: Airport transfer? YES! Free parking? Even better! A car power charging station? Nice touch for the eco-conscious.
Available in All Rooms – What the Heck Can I Expect in My Room?
- **Additional toilet, Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because we're about to dive headfirst into the chaotic, slightly grubby, and utterly unforgettable experience that was my "luxury" stay at the Grand Mulia Hotel Kisaran, Indonesia. Luxury in quotes, mind you. Let the record show, I'm still not entirely sure what that actually meant.
Day 1: Arrival & The Case of the Missing Tea (and My Sanity)
14:00 - Arrival & Check-in. Stepping out of the (thankfully) air-conditioned taxi, the humid air hit me like a damp, fluffy blanket. Kisaran. This was it. I'd seen pictures, read reviews, but nothing prepared me for the sheer scale of the Grand Mulia. It was… grand, alright. Grandly… beige. Check-in was a slow, deliberate dance with a woman who seemed to have mastered the art of the blank stare. Finally, after what felt like an interrogation (mostly about my passport and whether I prefer green tea or black tea – apparently, this was a crucial decision), I got the key.
15:00 - Room Inspection & Mild Panic. The room itself? Spacious. Clean-ish. The air con was definitely pumping, which was a huge win. BUT… Where's the tea? I'd specifically requested (and confirmed via email, I swear) a kettle and some tea. My blood pressure spiked. This was a crisis. I called reception, battling the language barrier (my Bahasa Indonesian is essentially "Terima kasih" and a lot of hopeful pointing). After much back and forth, a tiny, apologetic man arrived with a kettle and a packet of… instant coffee. Instant COFFEE?! This was an outrage! I wanted tea! Real, proper, life-giving tea! I grumbled and made myself a cup anyway. Dehydration was a real threat.
16:00 - Pool Discovery & Brief Bliss. Okay, the pool. That was a redeeming factor. Sparkling blue, surprisingly clean, and blessedly empty. I plunged in, letting the water wash away the anxiety of the tea debacle. For a blissful 20 minutes, I was a happy, slightly sunburnt blob. Then the kids arrived. Lots of them. And they were having a blast. So, I retreated. Defeated.
18:00 - Dinner at the Hotel Restaurant (and the Mystery of the Mildly-Off Chicken). The hotel restaurant was… something. Decent enough, but the lighting was a bit harsh, like they were trying to prove the food wasn't questionable. I ordered the chicken satay. Uh-oh. It tasted… slightly off. Not offensively so, but definitely not what I'd call “fresh.” I ate half and decided to live to fight another day. (Mostly because I was too exhausted to complain).
20:00 - Bedtime.. I crashed, dreaming of perfectly brewed tea and chicken that didn't taste faintly like it had seen better days.
Day 2: Exploring Kisaran & The Trauma of the Karaoke Bar
08:00 - Breakfast & Another Tea-Related Incident. The breakfast buffet was… well, it was a buffet. Eggs, toast, some suspiciously colourful fruit, and… yes! Tea! But the milk was sour. My faith in the hotel's culinary abilities plummeted. Again.
09:00 - Exploring Kisaran (or, Getting Lost in the Hustle and Bustle). I ventured out, determined to actually see something of Kisaran. Armed with my (slightly useless) Google Maps and a healthy dose of optimism, I plunged into the city. It was vibrant. Loud. Smelly (mostly delicious, though). I got completely and utterly turned around within 20 minutes. But then I stumbled upon a local market, a kaleidoscope of colours and smells. I bought some sticky rice cakes from a woman who looked at me like I’d grown a third eye. No idea what it was, but it was delicious.
12:00 - Lunch at "Warung Something" (A Delicious, and Unidentifiable, Experience). I found a little warung (small, local restaurant) which I couldn’t read a thing from the sign, and decided to take a chance. The meal was a revelation. Spicy, flavorful, and I could only hazard a guess at what I was actually eating. It was AMAZING. Forget the grand dining of the hotel, I found my culinary paradise.
15:00 - Brief Attempt at Relaxing by the Pool (Round Two: The Children Strike Back). I tried – I really, really tried - to relax by the pool again. Nope. More kids. More splash! More screaming! I needed a vacation from my vacation.
17:00 - The Karaoke Incident. I still have nightmares. And then we come to the coup de grâce. My friend insisted on a karaoke night. The hotel advertised one. How bad could it be?! Oh dear God. The answer: horrifically, fantastically, memorably bad. We went to the hotel's karaoke room. The songs, the equipment; it was all old stuff. The sound quality was… horrific. There were a ton of people, and they took turns singing, out of tune, off beat, and with zero self-awareness. I, tragically, joined in. I'll spare you the details. All of us, with tears streaming from our eyes, both from singing and laughter. Then a man from the hotel joined in, and he was… surprisingly good. The whole thing was such an experience. I still have flashbacks.
22:00 - Early attempt at sleep. Still reeling from karaoke.
Day 3: Departure & The Lingering Smell of Adventure (and Possibly Mild Food Poisoning)
- 09:00 - Breakfast and the Perpetual Mystery of the Milk. Breakfast: again, with the buffet, and the milk. The milk, like my stay at the Grand Mulia, was a mixed bag.
- 10:00 - Final Farewell & Final Review: Leaving. Freedom! I was ready to go to another region! But, I will say, The Grand Mulia, in all its flawed, slightly off-chicken-tasting glory, had a certain charm. It wasn't perfect, far from it, but it was… an experience. A messy, hilarious, frustrating, and ultimately memorable experience. And the sticky rice cakes? Still dreaming about those.
- 11:00: Check out Checking out, I did find out that the hotel have issues. The receptionist was a very young girl, which made perfect sense, but she didn't know a thing. I had to complain and negotiate about the bill.
- 12:00 - Goodbye Kisaran. Goodbye Grand Mulia. (I'll Miss the Chaos.) Flying to another island, I still remember the adventures, and even the karaoke. Though one problem I can't forget: I did get a case of diarrhea a few hours after eating in the hotel restaurant. But I just chalked it up to the general adventure of travel.
So, there you have it. My Grand Mulia saga. Would I go back? Maybe. Armed with a stash of my own tea, a healthy dose of humour, and a whole lot of Pepto-Bismol, perhaps. But first, I need to recover from the karaoke. Wish me luck.
Escape to Paradise: Druds Hotel Hortolandia's Unforgettable Brazilian Getaway
Okay, let's be brutally honest. The *second* the news breaks about shuffling corpses, the first thing on your mind should NOT be, "Where's my katana?" Okay, maybe it *is* on your mind, and that's okay. But the *real* first thing? Toilet paper. And I'm not kidding! Remember that whole pandemic thing? Those shelves vanished in under three hours. And trust me, a zombie apocalypse is gonna be a lot less pleasant if you're running low on... you get the picture. Also, scream. Just a little. Get it out of your system. This is, you know, a *lot*. And then, and this is CRUCIALLY important, find some REALLY good running shoes. Seriously. Training for a marathon? Good. Do it. If you're not, now's the time to start. Also, maybe a ridiculously loud car. Think the kind of car that screams "LOOK AT ME! I'M A FLEEING HUMAN!" It might come in handy for both getting away *and* as a distraction... or something. I haven't quite figured that part out yet.
Ugh, the weapons thing. Okay, so listen. Look, I'm not gonna lie. I've spent a good chunk of my life thinking about this. Baseball bat with nails? Classic. Good starter weapon. But, the REAL key I feel, is to not get too fixated on the cool stuff. You WILL get the coolest weapons in the world, but are you really *good* with them? You need to practice. Like, a LOT. Also, and this is crucial, keep it clean. You don't want to get infected by some nasty-ass zombie goo AND then get an infection on top of that. Double whammy. Also, and I'm gonna be honest, a really good escape route is the BEST weapon. Think about it. You can't fight the zombies if you're stuck in a dead end and the zombies can just keep piling up.
Okay, food and water. Yeah, *obviously*. But how do you *actually* get it? And the supermarkets are basically the first place you'll want to go. So, you'll need to be ready to do a LOT of running, and being prepared for the inevitable. But, here's the real kicker. The shelf-emptying speed of the zombie apocalypse actually depends on location. Cities? Forget about it. Gone in hours. Rural areas? Maybe you have a little more time, but still. And I'm serious about the water. Stock up on bottled water. You think you'll be fine? Nope. So. Much. Thirst. Also, food. Forget the processed crap. Think cans. Canned beans. Canned peaches. Anything that's gonna last. Oh, and... be EXTREMELY wary of other people. Everyone is basically a threat now. It's a dog-eat-dog (or, you know, zombie-eat-human) world. But, hey, at least you'll have water! I think.
Okay, the shelter situation. My basement? Yeah, no. Absolutely freaking not. It's dark, it's enclosed, and it's basically a zombie buffet waiting to happen. Think of it as a giant, underground zombie trap. Eek. You want something defensible, with multiple escape routes. High ground is good for visibility. A church might work, or a fortified warehouse...but, remember it's not just about the building, it's about the *plan*. You need an escape route. You need to constantly be assessing the situation. And you need to be willing to leave if things go sideways.
Ugh, the people thing. Teamwork? In a zombie apocalypse? It's tricky. On the one hand, you want to think, "Yay! People! We can help each other!" On the other hand... people are the WORST when they're desperate. You have to be prepared for betrayal. You HAVE to. It's almost guaranteed. So, if you can find a trustworthy group, by all means, go for it. But, and this is a huge BUT, be prepared to go it alone. It's gonna be lonely, yeah. But sometimes, lonely is safer than being stabbed in the back—or, you know, eaten by a zombie because your "ally" screwed up. Decide for yourself, if you can.
